It is a funny thing grieving for something that you never really had.
Robin had a little girl this morning.
For those of you who were in the know there was a time when Dan and I were going to adopt her. But life and finances would not play nice with our plans and we were not able to do it.
For the last 3 months I have been fine with it. It wasn't meant to be, God obviously has other plans for us. I have been able to be there for her Mom Tracy and help her in decisions and dealing with the fact that they were putting her granddaughter up for adoption. They chose a wonderful Christian couple. They are mid- thirties, missionaries and wonderful people. They travel all over doing the Lord's work, they have been to the Far East, Africa, you name it spreading the word of God. This baby will see the world. I was so excited for her future.
Yet here I am crying.
Hurting and raw.
I don't get it.
Robin keeps asking me to come see her and the baby at the hospital. She and the baby are there until Monday and then the adopting parents take the baby home.
I can't do it.
I can't bear the thought of seeing that little face and falling in love with what could have been.
Robin doesn't get it. You see for the last 10 years Robin's family thought she was bi-polar. Recently after much testing they have learned that Robin is developmentally delayed. She will never emotionally mature past the range of 12 - 15 years old. She was misdiagnosed.
For her this baby will never be more than a doll. She can't comprehend what she is giving up.
But I can.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Friday, March 02, 2007
A Deep Breath
I took a deep breath for the first time in weeks today. The last 2 weeks have been rather hellish.
This has been my last 2 weeks:
AJ and the girls came to hang out for the weekend. OK so it was more like a visit to the Vickers motel since they spent their days at AJ's mother-in-laws for a family Mike memorial thingy.
Mom and Dad move out - so I am juggling company and the move. more stressful than one might think. (mom and dad were supposed to move out the weekend before but couldn't because we were snowed in.)
one year anniversary of Mike passing - I didn't handle it well. (see previous blog)
the OBGYN finally figures out what is wrong with me. (3 1/2 months and no period and I am so not pregnant) I have PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. They think I have had it all my life. It causes weight gain and now with treatment I should be able to loose weight quickly and easily. who knew! It also causes excess facial hair - let's not go there. May also cause male pattern baldness if not treated - BRING ON THE DRUGS!!!
so yay! no cervical cancer! woo hoo! phone rings. It's the dermatologist who just removed 5 skin tags and 3 moles last week.
skin cancer - son of a b-----! I don't even tan! I hate the heat and rarely spend time in the sun! bleepity bleep bleep bleep!!!
Somewhere God is giggling and saying "Well girlie you prayed for good results from the OBGYN but not the dermatologist, hee hee "
Luckily I have the good skin cancer. But I'm telling you, when someone tells you that you have any form of cancer it is very hard to believe them that you have a good kind. Hello you still have cancer!!! and yes they cut the majority off and are putting you through a 6 week treatment to kill the remaining bad cells (bad cells, bad!) but it still keeps you up at night.
So my ovaries are screwed up, my skin is trying to kill me and to top it all off it seems that the teachers at the CHRISTIAN preschool where I work have all forgotten they are Christians and can do nothing but complain about how horrible the children are. And they didn't take to kindly to me walking around smiling so much because work was the last of my worries this past 2 weeks! Nor did they take it too well when I told them to cheer up and smile and that God loves them. It was like I was a steak walking into a pack of rabid wolves!
But today is Friday, I have my own house back. No plans this weekend. And it is 58 and sunny outside. I am off to the park with Jessica and a good book. Who knows I might just lie down on the bench and watch the clouds go by.
This has been my last 2 weeks:
AJ and the girls came to hang out for the weekend. OK so it was more like a visit to the Vickers motel since they spent their days at AJ's mother-in-laws for a family Mike memorial thingy.
Mom and Dad move out - so I am juggling company and the move. more stressful than one might think. (mom and dad were supposed to move out the weekend before but couldn't because we were snowed in.)
one year anniversary of Mike passing - I didn't handle it well. (see previous blog)
the OBGYN finally figures out what is wrong with me. (3 1/2 months and no period and I am so not pregnant) I have PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. They think I have had it all my life. It causes weight gain and now with treatment I should be able to loose weight quickly and easily. who knew! It also causes excess facial hair - let's not go there. May also cause male pattern baldness if not treated - BRING ON THE DRUGS!!!
so yay! no cervical cancer! woo hoo! phone rings. It's the dermatologist who just removed 5 skin tags and 3 moles last week.
skin cancer - son of a b-----! I don't even tan! I hate the heat and rarely spend time in the sun! bleepity bleep bleep bleep!!!
Somewhere God is giggling and saying "Well girlie you prayed for good results from the OBGYN but not the dermatologist, hee hee "
Luckily I have the good skin cancer. But I'm telling you, when someone tells you that you have any form of cancer it is very hard to believe them that you have a good kind. Hello you still have cancer!!! and yes they cut the majority off and are putting you through a 6 week treatment to kill the remaining bad cells (bad cells, bad!) but it still keeps you up at night.
So my ovaries are screwed up, my skin is trying to kill me and to top it all off it seems that the teachers at the CHRISTIAN preschool where I work have all forgotten they are Christians and can do nothing but complain about how horrible the children are. And they didn't take to kindly to me walking around smiling so much because work was the last of my worries this past 2 weeks! Nor did they take it too well when I told them to cheer up and smile and that God loves them. It was like I was a steak walking into a pack of rabid wolves!
But today is Friday, I have my own house back. No plans this weekend. And it is 58 and sunny outside. I am off to the park with Jessica and a good book. Who knows I might just lie down on the bench and watch the clouds go by.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
A Year Ago Tonight
At this exact time a year ago tonight I was with a friend. A year ago ten minutes from now I said goodnight, joked that it was really good morning and waived goodbye as I walked out the front door. A year ago I was angry and unable to forgive a stupid argument. A year ago I walked out of his house still holding a stupid grudge after apologies were exchanged. I walked out without hugging him goodbye because I was angry. I actually thought, it's too soon to hug him again after being so mad. I was so wrong.
10:31 AM - one year ago today the phone rang. I thought Jess was just calling to say she too was too tired to get out of bed for even the 11AM church service. We had been up watching the movie "Waiting" and did not leave her house until 1 AM. But that's not what she told me. "Michael's down, he's not breathing. They (the EMTs) just got here. He's not breathing." I still remember her exact words. A year later and I still remember every damn word and the way she breathed when she said it. I remember hearing the EMTs in the background. I remember I was standing in the kitchen looking at the clock on the microwave. '10:31AM he was fine last night' is what goes through my head but what comes out of my mouth is "Where are the girls, I'm coming, it's going to be all right." I don't remember getting dressed. I had answered the phone in my bra and panties. I honestly don't remember running upstairs and putting on my blue pants and pink tie dye t shirt. I barked to Dan, " Mike's down, he's not breathing, the paramedics are there, I'm going, oh God, I'll Call you." I know instead of running 2 buildings over I drove as close as I could get. The road was blocked by the ambulance and fire truck. Police were just arriving. He had gone down in front of the coat closet at the foot of the stairs. They had cut his shirt open and were doing CPR, he had already lost control of his bowels. Jess was numb, you could see the disbelief in her eyes. I just hugged her and she told me he had been walking across the room from the bathroom to go upstairs to get more toilet paper, laughing about how he had been the one to leave himself 'high and dry' when he simply fell over. Later I would learn that he seized and Jess started CPR while Amy called 911. Catherine was upstairs in her room. Kitty her mom was there. Where are the girls? I asked. Jerry her dad had them upstairs. Kitty stayed with Jess and I ran upstairs. I found Jerry on Amy's bed trying to hold both girls in his lap. I took Catherine and sat on her bed with her. Princess Diaries 2 was playing on their TV. I held her on my lap like she was little again and we rocked. I remember thinking what to do say to a 9 year old girl when the paramedics are trying to save her Dad. It was so surreal my brain couldn't comprehend it. I remember thinking how warm my tears were and being surprised that they were falling. Somehow my heart knew what my brain wouldn't understand. Kitty came upstairs. She tried to talk so the girls wouldn't understand. "They are taking him to the hospital, it looks like they are going to call it in the ambulance." I knew, they couldn't resuscitate him. They were being kind enough to wait to call it at the hospital or in transit so they wouldn't have to wait for the coroner with the body in the house. I rode to the hospital with Christina, Jessie's little sister. She is a paramedic, we knew and all we could say was this isn't happening, he's 31. My best friend, her sister cannot be a widow, the girls are too young. I called Dan on my cell phone. I told him they were going to call it on the way to the hospital. I asked him if he knew what I meant. I said "yeah, they are going to call it on the way". He calmly said ok. I told him I loved him. At the hospital I kept the girls busy with a sand table they had for kids to play with in the waiting room. Mike's boss Roy showed up. I remember telling him how much Mike appreciated all he had done for Mike's career and that we had been talking about it the night before. Jess came out for the girls. They had told her he had passed. Amy cried quietly. Catherine fell to the floor screaming that she was too young for him to die. My heart broke even more. I called Dan. He asked how Mike was doing. Confused I said, "He isn't Honey. They called it on the way to the hospital." And I realized Dan didn't know what I meant by "calling it". I later learned he thought that they were 'calling it' a heart attack. "D they called time of death on the way to the hospital." "But we are going golfing tomorrow", Dan says. " No sweetie, you aren't. I am so sorry I didn't realize you didn't know what I meant." I still feel horrible about the way he learned his best friend had died. I got off the phone with him and put my head on the wall and cried. My best friend was a widow. A man I had kissed romantically had died. Our Godparent duties had just kicked in. When did I put this shirt on I thought. I have been back to the hospital ER three times this past year. I have walked over and touched that spot each time. I suddenly realized Amy was standing next to me. "Daddy would want Dan to have the Playstation" she says. I sort of half laughed and half cried and hugged her. She was so calm about it. The rest is a bit bit blurred. Seeing Mike's body, sitting in the family waiting room drinking juice and coffee while Jerry made phone calls to family. Running to the nurses station with Mike's wallet in hand when we all remembered Mike wanted to be an organ donor. Telling the nurses so they could get things started. We later learned Mike's eyes, bones and skin were all donated. I remember being in the room with Mike and thinking he was going to jump and say boo and yell at me for being such a stubborn bitch. I was the last one in the room with Mike before we left the hospital. I told I was going to miss him and that I knew Dan would too. I touched the toe of his shoe through the sheet on my way out. I remember Christina drove back, I got home and hugged Dan and cried but I honestly cannot remember the rest of the day.
I have done things in the last year I never thought I would have to do. I carried the ashes of a friend in a box. I drew viking symbols on a little wooden boat and embroidered Michael on a tiny shroud of white linen. I opened the box of his ashes and put a small handful in the shroud and stitched it closed. This giant of a man. He was large in size, character and life; was ashes in my hand.
This time last year I was blissfully in bed. Not knowing what was to come the next morning.
I want to go back.
God, I want to go back.
I want to go back and hug him. Why didn't I hug him.
Catherine asked me on day in a movie theater of all places if I had any regrets in life. What would I do over.
I have one regret and only one.
I didn't hug Mike that night. I purposefully walked away that night not giving him a hug. Like I was punishing him or something even after he had apologized. I wouldn't let it go and I never got to hug him goodbye. D hugged him. Jessica gave him a hug and kiss. I went out the door before he could cross the room and I waved. I WAVED. I even reasoned it out loud on the way home with Dan. Dan told me we'd be fine in time. But we didn't have time.
I am so tired but I can't go to sleep. It's like I want to hang on to every last minute until 10:31 this morning like he is still here. I can say this time last year he was still alive. This time last year Jess and Mike were asleep, everything was ok. The girls were ok. Jessica had no concept of death. She still had 'Uncle Mike' to cook mac and cheese for her and his special ramen noodles that she loved so much. My best friend lived down the street and everything we had dreamed about in High School was coming true. Our husbands were best friends, we were neighbors and our kids played together everyday. For 8 hours and 34 minutes I can still say a year ago we had that. I know I am sad and over tired but I can't let go of that. I feel like he's going to die again this morning.
I want to hug him.
10:31 AM - one year ago today the phone rang. I thought Jess was just calling to say she too was too tired to get out of bed for even the 11AM church service. We had been up watching the movie "Waiting" and did not leave her house until 1 AM. But that's not what she told me. "Michael's down, he's not breathing. They (the EMTs) just got here. He's not breathing." I still remember her exact words. A year later and I still remember every damn word and the way she breathed when she said it. I remember hearing the EMTs in the background. I remember I was standing in the kitchen looking at the clock on the microwave. '10:31AM he was fine last night' is what goes through my head but what comes out of my mouth is "Where are the girls, I'm coming, it's going to be all right." I don't remember getting dressed. I had answered the phone in my bra and panties. I honestly don't remember running upstairs and putting on my blue pants and pink tie dye t shirt. I barked to Dan, " Mike's down, he's not breathing, the paramedics are there, I'm going, oh God, I'll Call you." I know instead of running 2 buildings over I drove as close as I could get. The road was blocked by the ambulance and fire truck. Police were just arriving. He had gone down in front of the coat closet at the foot of the stairs. They had cut his shirt open and were doing CPR, he had already lost control of his bowels. Jess was numb, you could see the disbelief in her eyes. I just hugged her and she told me he had been walking across the room from the bathroom to go upstairs to get more toilet paper, laughing about how he had been the one to leave himself 'high and dry' when he simply fell over. Later I would learn that he seized and Jess started CPR while Amy called 911. Catherine was upstairs in her room. Kitty her mom was there. Where are the girls? I asked. Jerry her dad had them upstairs. Kitty stayed with Jess and I ran upstairs. I found Jerry on Amy's bed trying to hold both girls in his lap. I took Catherine and sat on her bed with her. Princess Diaries 2 was playing on their TV. I held her on my lap like she was little again and we rocked. I remember thinking what to do say to a 9 year old girl when the paramedics are trying to save her Dad. It was so surreal my brain couldn't comprehend it. I remember thinking how warm my tears were and being surprised that they were falling. Somehow my heart knew what my brain wouldn't understand. Kitty came upstairs. She tried to talk so the girls wouldn't understand. "They are taking him to the hospital, it looks like they are going to call it in the ambulance." I knew, they couldn't resuscitate him. They were being kind enough to wait to call it at the hospital or in transit so they wouldn't have to wait for the coroner with the body in the house. I rode to the hospital with Christina, Jessie's little sister. She is a paramedic, we knew and all we could say was this isn't happening, he's 31. My best friend, her sister cannot be a widow, the girls are too young. I called Dan on my cell phone. I told him they were going to call it on the way to the hospital. I asked him if he knew what I meant. I said "yeah, they are going to call it on the way". He calmly said ok. I told him I loved him. At the hospital I kept the girls busy with a sand table they had for kids to play with in the waiting room. Mike's boss Roy showed up. I remember telling him how much Mike appreciated all he had done for Mike's career and that we had been talking about it the night before. Jess came out for the girls. They had told her he had passed. Amy cried quietly. Catherine fell to the floor screaming that she was too young for him to die. My heart broke even more. I called Dan. He asked how Mike was doing. Confused I said, "He isn't Honey. They called it on the way to the hospital." And I realized Dan didn't know what I meant by "calling it". I later learned he thought that they were 'calling it' a heart attack. "D they called time of death on the way to the hospital." "But we are going golfing tomorrow", Dan says. " No sweetie, you aren't. I am so sorry I didn't realize you didn't know what I meant." I still feel horrible about the way he learned his best friend had died. I got off the phone with him and put my head on the wall and cried. My best friend was a widow. A man I had kissed romantically had died. Our Godparent duties had just kicked in. When did I put this shirt on I thought. I have been back to the hospital ER three times this past year. I have walked over and touched that spot each time. I suddenly realized Amy was standing next to me. "Daddy would want Dan to have the Playstation" she says. I sort of half laughed and half cried and hugged her. She was so calm about it. The rest is a bit bit blurred. Seeing Mike's body, sitting in the family waiting room drinking juice and coffee while Jerry made phone calls to family. Running to the nurses station with Mike's wallet in hand when we all remembered Mike wanted to be an organ donor. Telling the nurses so they could get things started. We later learned Mike's eyes, bones and skin were all donated. I remember being in the room with Mike and thinking he was going to jump and say boo and yell at me for being such a stubborn bitch. I was the last one in the room with Mike before we left the hospital. I told I was going to miss him and that I knew Dan would too. I touched the toe of his shoe through the sheet on my way out. I remember Christina drove back, I got home and hugged Dan and cried but I honestly cannot remember the rest of the day.
I have done things in the last year I never thought I would have to do. I carried the ashes of a friend in a box. I drew viking symbols on a little wooden boat and embroidered Michael on a tiny shroud of white linen. I opened the box of his ashes and put a small handful in the shroud and stitched it closed. This giant of a man. He was large in size, character and life; was ashes in my hand.
This time last year I was blissfully in bed. Not knowing what was to come the next morning.
I want to go back.
God, I want to go back.
I want to go back and hug him. Why didn't I hug him.
Catherine asked me on day in a movie theater of all places if I had any regrets in life. What would I do over.
I have one regret and only one.
I didn't hug Mike that night. I purposefully walked away that night not giving him a hug. Like I was punishing him or something even after he had apologized. I wouldn't let it go and I never got to hug him goodbye. D hugged him. Jessica gave him a hug and kiss. I went out the door before he could cross the room and I waved. I WAVED. I even reasoned it out loud on the way home with Dan. Dan told me we'd be fine in time. But we didn't have time.
I am so tired but I can't go to sleep. It's like I want to hang on to every last minute until 10:31 this morning like he is still here. I can say this time last year he was still alive. This time last year Jess and Mike were asleep, everything was ok. The girls were ok. Jessica had no concept of death. She still had 'Uncle Mike' to cook mac and cheese for her and his special ramen noodles that she loved so much. My best friend lived down the street and everything we had dreamed about in High School was coming true. Our husbands were best friends, we were neighbors and our kids played together everyday. For 8 hours and 34 minutes I can still say a year ago we had that. I know I am sad and over tired but I can't let go of that. I feel like he's going to die again this morning.
I want to hug him.
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